How to step away
from being trigger unhappy in relationships
By
Judy Keating
Posted Oct 2, 2015
One of my absolute
favorite musicians is David Wilcox. He creates stories in song
that move my heart, heal my hurts, and speak truths to me in
ways I find hard to describe. I consider him to be a poet laureate
of our time. One of his songs, “A Break in the Cup”
talks of the crack in the cup that holds love inside us all.
And that no one can fill that cup no matter how hard they try.
I know there
have been times when I have loved someone and felt their pain
so deeply that I desperately wanted to fill them up with all
this love I had to give. To make “it” better. With
decades of learning I can now see that “it” that
I was trying to fix was my own profound pain mirrored in that
other person. And that to be in relationship I have to fill
my own cup each and every day with love, acceptance, compassion
and humor at my own fallibility.
There is no
greater gift you can give a friend, family member or lover than
awareness of when you are triggered ( see agitation, want to
lash out, want to run away or stuff food in your mouth) when
something the other person has done or not done, said or not
said bugs the good ol crap out of you. These are examples of
what being “triggered” feel like. The tricky part
comes when you do not see that those feelings are your unresolved
issues knocking hard on your door. So you do what any self-respecting
person would do –you blame, shame or abandon the other
person because after all they made you feel this way so they
must be wrong. And it is our job to make sure they know it.
There is just
one problem—this has absurdly nothing at all to do with
them. Being in a relationship takes guts, because your own crud
surfaces on a regular basis without warning. And yet we are
communal beings who crave belonging in a tribe, and thrive when
we are blessed with those who love us warts and all.
Inquiry when we are feeling triggered, is a balm if it is done
gently and with compassion. Noticing you’re triggered
is a gift. For in that noticing there is a space of non-reaction
to the other in the relationship. In that split second of noticing,
you begin to step towards being in relationship, rather than
banishing yourself to that lonely island called being right.
When you feel a fight coming on, in any relationship. Stop.
Ask yourself “In this moment, would I rather be right
or in relationship?” The answer is less important than
the inquiry itself. Either way, you are at choice in that moment
and you are taking the wheel, rather than that trigger unhappy
part of you driving.
In communication
with others, there is a question that will assist you, if you
decide you want to build relationship. State what you feel,
think, believe about a situation, your significant other, or
your feelings and then say “Tell me where I am wrong.”
Then comes the really hard part- stay quiet.
People will
be struck mute for about 30 seconds until that get used to you
being willing to truly let them clarify and refine their response
to you. This means when they respond, you listen. See where
that clarification gives you information that you previously
did not see. Let what they have said sink in. Rinse, repeat.
Please notice the above sentence does not say Tell me THAT I
am wrong. (see triggered above). It allows for you to not have
a full grasp of what the other person, thinks, feels, believes
or knows and invites them in. Let me understand exactly what
you are saying, so we can learn and grow closer in this moment.
Try it. See what happens, feel free to tell me where I a wrong.
Judy is an author
of F.A.I.T.H. Finding Answers in the Heart Vol II. She is an
Energy Inspiration, using healing modalities, individual guidance
and group facilitation to assist her clients to use their energy
wisely.
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